Today on Listen Up – changes in divorce rulings in Canada
expand what commitment will cost, even after a break up …
The
messy business of putting marriage to rest has been given a reality
check from Canada’s Supreme Court. We’ll
look into its recent ruling
on retroactive child support payments with the country’s top
divorce
lawyer, Phil Epstein. We’ll also ask about court
precedent on
emotional trauma of divorce, and joint custody changes and how
they’re
being handled. And, with over a billion dollars in child
support
payments in areas across the country, lawyer Phil Epstein explains how
a new ruling by the Supreme Court of Canada means the children of
divorce should be getting fair financial assistance.
Amid all the
acrimony and thousands of cases behind him, Mr. Epstein gives his views
on why so many couples end up in heartbreak. With more than
40 years
of marriage to his own credit, he’ll give us his opinion on
recovering
faltering relationships.
We’ll also hear from an expert on
step-parenting on how to stabilize children in the face of divorce and
hear Jessica’s story of divorce and reconciliation.
DIVORCE &
THE DIVORCE ACT OF CANADA
-From DUHAIME'S CANADIAN FAMILY LAW CENTRE
DIVORCE has been defined as "legal separation of man and wife, effected
either by the judgement or decree of a court, and either totally
dissolving the marriage relation, or suspending its effects so far as
concerns the cohabitation of the parties". The Canadian constitution
says that only the federal government can set divorce law. The
Government of Canada has a Divorce Act, and because it is a federal
law, it applies fully and equally in all parts of Canada.
Canada has a "renovated" Divorce Act, which became law in 1986. This
new law added to the requirement to show cruelty or adultery and now
allows for a divorce if the husband and wife have been separated for at
least one year. This "no-fault" divorce means that most divorce
applications to the courts are no longer contested. The parties usually
agree on the divorce and other things like child custody and support.
This eliminates the need for a formal court hearing where both parties
testify and ask for different things (not to mention the consequent
legal fees required for legal representation in court). You can even
buy a kit in some bookstores that allows you to complete your divorce
without a lawyer.
Divorces begin with an application to the court asking it to declare
that there has been a "breakdown of the marriage", to use the words of
the Divorce Act. This application should have paragraphs that refer to
where and when the marriage took place, who the children were, who
should have custody of the children and why child support should be
paid, the grounds of the divorce, if there is to be support for one of
the spouses paid for by the other, and what is to become of the family
property. Certified copies of the marriage certificate and any birth
certificates is attached. The claim for support is known as "corollary
relief" and may be for the spouse and/or the children (claims for
custody are also corollary relief claims). If corollary relief is
requested, you would be well advised to prepare a financial statement
which sets out your family's monthly expenses in detail.
The judge that will ultimately grant the divorce has an obligation to
ensure that adequate arrangements have been made for the support of any
children of the marriage. That is why the petition must answer all the
possible questions that a judge. Otherwise, the petition could be
rejected or the parties could be summoned to an open and public court
hearing.
Sometimes, two petitions are filed to end the same marriage, each by
one of the spouses (a person is allowed to bring their divorce petition
anywhere in Canada provided they have been living in the province where
they want to file their petition, for at least a year). Where two
petitions are filed, it is the court which was the first to receive the
petition that supersedes the later one. If they were both filed on the
same day but in different provinces, then it would be the Federal
Court-Trial Division that would become the divorce court and the
hearing would be held wherever that court so directed.
Although the Divorce Act now allows no-fault divorce if the couple has
been apart for a year, petitions based on the traditional grounds of
cruelty or adultery can still be used. These are rare, now, and do not
require a one-year waiting period.
Some jurisdictions also allow for penalties in costs where adultery can
be proven, attracting certain litigants to these avenues and
perpetuating the archaic venemous approach to these deep, personal
disputes. For an example of just such a nincompoop law, see section
123(4) of the British Columbia Family Relations Act.
There is a fee for filing a petition, generally in the area of $100 to
$300 depending on the rules of the court in your community. Part of
that fee is to pay for a certificate from a central registry in Ottawa
which will do a search to make sure that there is no other divorce
application concerning the same couple elsewhere in Canada. Once the
application is filed, the court will send a copy to the other party,
who becomes known as the respondent (i.e. the person who "responds" to
the petition). The respondent has a limited amount in time to send to
the court a counter-application. This deadline varies from province to
province but is generally 20 days.
The Divorce Act requires the court to verify whether there appears to
be any possibility of reconciliation between the parties. The court can
even ask a marriage counselor to attempt a reconciliation. But judges
don't flog dead horses and it is quite rare to see a judge interfere
once a formal divorce petition has been filed.
If the application is contested, a hearing is scheduled and both
parties are cross-examined by each pother or their lawyers in court.
This rarely happens; statistics show that only 1 in 20 divorce
petitions actually end up being debated in court. If your application
is contested and you are in need of support immediately, you can ask
the court to hear you on an urgent basis and issue a temporary decision
giving you interim custody or support.
A court decision results and within 31 days of that decision, the
parties are considered divorced and free to re-marry.
Philip Epstein is a partner at Epstein Cole. He writes and lectures
extensively on family law and solicitors' negligence topics and is
active in many legal associations. He has worked on cases at all levels
of court in Ontario, including the Court of Appeal and the Supreme
Court of Canada.
In 1998, Philip received the Family Law Excellence Award from the
family law section of the Ontario Bar Association. The following year,
the Law Society of Upper Canada presented him with the Law Society
Medal.
Philip is the Editor-in-Chief of the Reports in Family Law and
co-author of Epstein and Madsen's This Week in Family law, published by
Carswell. He currently lectures on children's law at the University of
Toronto, and is a dispute resolution officer of the Superior Court of
Ontario. Additionally, he has served as counsel for the Lawyers'
Professional Indemnity Company for more than 25 years.
Philip is former chair of the family law section of the Ontario Bar
Association, and the former head of the family law section of the
LSUC's Bar Admission Course. For many years, he lectured in advanced
family law at Osgoode Hall Law School and the University of Toronto.
Philip was called to the Bar in 1970, and was appointed Queen's Counsel
in 1981. He is a fellow of the International Academy of Matrimonial
Lawyers, a fellow of the American College of Trial Lawyers, and served
as a bencher with LSUC for close to 15 years.
Created by author, therapist, and
stepfamily educational specialist Ron L. Deal,
Successful Stepfamilies empowers remarried couples and
stepfamilies for successful family living and equips churches to
minister to stepcouples.
Successful Stepfamilies:
Is the most comprehensive Christian web site for stepfamilies and
stepfamily ministries available today;
Is a primary point of referral for stepfamily training by organizations
like Focus on the Family, Prepare-Enrich, FamilyLife, America's Family
Coaches, and the Association of Marriage & Family Ministries;
Provides conferences for couples, ministry leaders, and therapists;
Provides Christian audio/video resources and
books like The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy
Family by President Ron L. Deal, considered by many respected family
experts to be the best book available on stepfamilies.
Our Objectives at Successful Stepfamilies:
To help you build strength and intimacy in your home.
Increase your understanding of the special challenges in
the stepfamily home.
Help you develop a game plan for successful,
Christian living.
Empower churches to better minister to the stepfamilies in
their community.
Decrease the remarriage divorce rate and strengthen
stepfamily homes.
ABOUT RON DEAL:
Ron L. Deal is Founder and President of As For Me And My House
Ministries, LLC and Successful Stepfamilies, an
organization that empowers stepfamilies for healthy living and
equips churches to minister to the unique needs of
stepfamilies. He is author of the book "The Smart
Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family"
and creator/presenter of the "Building A Successful
Stepfamily" seminar. Currently Ron is serving as Stepfamily
Educational Consultant to Focus on the Family.
Ron is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Licensed Professional
Counselor, and a member of the Stepfamily Association of America's
Advisory Council and Institute Faculty. Ron and his wife Nan
are also members of the National Advisory Board for The Association of
Marriage and Family Ministries.
Ron's national radio appearances to address the needs of stepfamilies
include "Focus on the Family" (and numerous FOTF
broadcasts), "FamilyLife Today," "HomeWord" with Dr. Jim
Burns, "America's Family Coaches" with Dr. Gary & Barbara
Rosberg, "Live the Life" with AACC president Dr. Tim Clinton,
"Josh McDowell radio," and many
others. National TV appearances include "Reality
Talks" with Dr. Kevin Leman, "A New Harvest," and "At Home
Live," and "100 Huntley Street" in
Canada. He has written feature family and ministry
articles addressing a variety of family matters for a number of
publications and online magazines.
On a regular basis Ron trains family ministry professionals at the
Association of Marriage & Family Ministries conferences and has
spoken at the National Stepfamily Conference, the American
Association of Christian Counselors World Conference, the national
Smart Marriages, Happy Families conference, and the Utah and
Arkansas Governors' conferences on the family. He
and his wife, Nan, have three boys.
How to Build a Healthy Relationship With Your Stepchild
by Ron L. Deal, M.MFT.
Parenting holds a great many challenges. Little is more
challenging than the role of Christian stepparent. In short,
the stepparent joins the biological parent in raising his or her child,
but does so initially without a clear bond with the child.
Parental authority is based on the depth of relationship
between adult and child. The stepparent-stepchild
relationship is weak due to little emotional connection and only a
brief shared history (developed while the adults were courting), making
the stepparent's role very difficult and frustrating.
Consider the email I received from a biological father looking for
help: "Jean is the stepmother to my seven year old son. In
the past ten weeks, a very intense relationship has developed between
them. Once inseparable, Jean now wants nothing to do with him
and has told him as much. This has strained our marriage, and
she has talked about leaving. Our marriage is as perfect as
one can get when my son is visiting his mother, but when he returns it
is very uncomfortable for everyone. My wife does not
understand why God is doing this to her, and she is questioning her
faith."
Stepparenting is Tough!
I can just imagine this stepmother explaining her situation.
She likely feels confused about her role, displaced from her
husband when her stepson is around, andhelpless to change the
situation. Despite all this, my experience tells me that she
is also feeling guilty, because she knows that God is expecting her to
love this boy. It's a tough situation to be
in. Finding an effective stepparent role is indeed a
challenge. Yet, with healthy expectations and a specific
strategy to build relationship, a satisfying bond can be nurtured.
Realistic Expectations
Stepparents and biological parents alike frequently expect too much
from the stepparent, especially early in the stepfamily's development.
Research confirms, for example, that stepparents and
biological parents generally assume that the stepparent should be
affectionate with stepchildren and attempting to assert authority (to
establish their position as "parent"). However, stepchildren
report-even five years after the wedding-that they wish the stepparent
would seek less physical affection and back away from asserting
punishment. The challenge, then, for biological and
stepparents alike is to lower their expectations and negotiate a
relationship that is "mutually suitable" to both stepchild and
stepparent. Let's examine some key principles that may help.
1. Give yourself time to develop a workable relationship.
Realize that love and caring takes time to develop,
especially with pre-adolescent and adolescent children. Some
research suggests that children under the age of five will
bond with a stepparent within one to two years. However,
older children-teenagers in particular-may take as many years as they
are old when the remarriage takes place. In other words, a
ten-year-old may need ten years before they feel truly connected with
you. Try to imagine your stepfamily in a crock-pot; it's slow
cooking, so don't rush it. Besides, crock-pots do gradually
bring all the ingredients together so trust that the low heat will
eventually do its work. Here are some "low-heat" crock-pot
cooking recommendations:
Do not expect that you or your stepchildren will magically cherish all
your time together. Stepchildren often feel confused about
new family relationships, feeling both welcoming and resentful of the
changes new people bring to their life. Give
children space and time to work through their emotions.
Give yourself permission to not be completely accepted by them.
Their acceptance of you is often more about wanting to remain
in contact with their biological parents than it is an acceptance or
rejection of you. This realization will help you to
de-personalize their apparent rejections.
Give your stepchildren time away from you, preferably with their
biological parent. The exclusive time stepchildren had with
their biological parent before he or she married you come to a
screeching halt after remarriage. Honoring your stepchildren
by giving back this exclusive time will help them to respect you sooner.
2. Children's loyalty to their biological parents may interfere with
their acceptance of you. Children are often emotionally torn
when they enjoy a stepparent. The fear that liking you
somehow hurts their non-custodial, biological, parent is common.
The ensuing guilt they experience may lead to disobedient
behavior and a closed heart. In order to help stepchildren
deal with this struggle:
Allow children to keep their loyalties and encourage contact with
biological parents.
Never criticize their biological parent, as it will sabotage the
children's opinion of you.
Don't try to replace an uninvolved or deceased biological parent.
Consider yourself an added parent figure in the child's
life-be yourself.
3. The cardinal rule for stepparent-stepchild relationships is this:
Let the children set their pace for their relationship with you.
If your stepchildren are open to you and seem to want
physical affection from you, don't leave them disappointed.
If, however, they remain aloof and cautious, don't force
yourself on them. Respect their boundaries, for it often
represents their confusion over the new relationship and their loss
from the past. As time in the stepfamily crock-pot brings you
together, slowly increase your personal involvement and affections.
Together you can forge a workable relationship that grows
over time.
Recently a gentleman told me that it took 30 years before he could tell
his stepfather he loved him. Undoubtedly, his stepfather
struggled through those years for his stepson's acceptance.
But despite his godly attitude and leadership, his stepson
simply couldn't allow himself to return that love. Eventually, however,
love won out and was able to express appreciation to his stepfather for
being involved in his life. Trust that doing the right things
in the name of Christ will eventually bring you and your stepchildren
together. In the meantime, set realistic expectations that
don't leave you feeling like a failure (until that day arrives).
Relax and Build Relationship
Relax. It's an interesting word to hear when you feel like
you're not making any progress as a stepparent, yet that's exactly the
word I continue to use in therapy with stepfamilies. The
crock-pot will eventually bring you closer together with your
stepchildren, but you can't force their affections. So relax,
accept the current level of relationship, and trust the crock-pot to
increase your connection over time. In the mean time, use the
following suggestions to help you to be intentional about slowly
building your relationship.
Early on, monitor(1) your stepchildren's activities. Know
what they are doing at school, church, and in extracurricular
activities, and make it your aim to be a part. Take them to
soccer practice, ask about the math test they studied for, and help
them to learn their lines in the school play. Monitoring
seeks to balance interest in the child without coming on too strong.
A second suggestion also seeks to build relationship, but slowly.
Throughout the first year of remarriage, stepparents should
be involved with stepchildren when another family member can be
present. This "group" family activity reduces the anxiety
children feel with one-on-one time with a stepparent. Adults
frequently assume that the way to get to know their stepchildren is to
spend personal, exclusive time with them. This may be true
with some stepchildren; however, most stepchildren prefer to not be
thrown into that kind of situation until they have had time to grow
comfortable with the stepparent. Honor that feeling until the
child makes it obvious that he or she is okay with one-on-one time.
Another suggestion for building relationship is to share your talents,
skills, and interests with the child and to become curious about
theirs. If you know how to play the guitar and a stepchild is
interested, take time to show him how. If the child is
interested in a particular series of books or a video game, become
interested and ask her to tell you about it. These shared
interests become points of connection that strengthen trust between
stepparent and stepchild. Sharing the Lord through dialogue,
music, or church activity is another tremendous source of connection.
For example, service projects are wonderful activities for
parents and stepparents to experience together. Little brings
people together like serving others in the name of the Lord.
Discussing values through the eyes of Christ and having
family devotional time can, also, strengthen your relationship, as well
encourage spiritual formation in the child.
Find Your Role with Discipline
Perhaps the most confusing role for a stepparent is how to set limits,
teach values, and enforce consequences. Indeed, the most
common pitfall for stepfamilies is when the biological parent hands off
too much responsibility for child rearing, and the stepparent begins to
punish the child for misbehavior too quickly. Rather, a
unified team approach that involves both biological and stepparent is
best.
Early on, teamwork for the biological and stepparent begins with the
acknowledgment of the stepparent's lack of authority due to a
weak-although growing-relationship with the children. Until
parental status(2) is attained (and that can take 18 months to many
years) the stepparent should focus on building relationship (see
section above) and being an extension of the biological parent's
authority. Initially, this is done by through two tasks: 1)
negotiating a set of household rules and a standard of conduct for all
the children (whether biological or step) and 2) putting the stepparent
in the role of "baby-sitter."
Negotiating a household set of rules and conduct involves both adults,
but takes place (initially) outside of earshot of the children.
As all effective parents, the couple must discuss rules,
standards, consequences, and a system of discipline for the children.
Then the biological parent can communicate this to the
children. When either adult acts outside these negotiated
rules (or fails to uphold them), children can divide and conquer the
couple. Conflict and resentment are sure to result.
On the other hand, when a baby-sitter cares for children, it is
understood that they have authority because the biological parent has
put them in charge. Likewise, once rules are communicated,
the biological parent must pass power to the stepparent by
communicating to the children the expectation that they obey and
respect the stepparent. If a rule is broken, it is the
"household's" or the "parent's" rule, not the stepparent's.
If a punishment is executed by the stepparent, it is the
"biological parent's" punishment. Later, when the biological
parent enters the picture, they should support the stepparent's
decisions (hopefully they are in line with the pre-determined system of
discipline), and then reinforce their expectation that the child obey
the stepparent in the future. This baby-sitter role thus
creates space for the stepparent and stepchildren to build relationship
and, at the same time, empowers the stepparent to have influence in the
home.
If children have struggles accepting the stepparent's position, compare
their obedience to the stepparent with their obedience to a teacher,
coach, or camp counselor. Sometimes, the fear of betraying a
non-custodial, biological parent keeps children from being cooperative
with a stepparent. However, their fears might be reduced if
they view the stepparent "just like a teacher."
Eventually, the stepparent may move from a baby-sitter role to that of
an uncle or aunt (where the children consider the stepparent "extended
family," but don't offer them the full authority of parenthood).
In addition, because stepparents will bond with younger
children much sooner, they may be "extended family" to young children
and "the baby-sitter" with older children. As you can tell,
keeping open communication about the stepparent's changing role with
children is an important task for couples.
The Value of Stepparents
Did you ever stop to notice that the God of the universe entrusted His
son to be raised by his stepfather, Joseph? Yes, in that
sense, Jesus was a stepchild. Despite little scripture about
Joseph's character, we can rest assured that God picked him for a
reason. He must have had a tremendous influence on Jesus
during his early years. I suppose we could say that Joseph's
impact on Jesus' growth in wisdom, stature, and favor with God and man
(Luke 2:40, 52) is immeasurable.
The challenges of stepparenting are very real. The importance
of your role in the life of your stepchild is invaluable.
Commit yourself to the Lord, as did Joseph, and offer His
love to your stepchildren (to whatever degree possible). You
may never realize how important you are.
References:
(1) Bray, J. (1998). Stepfamilies: Love, marriage, and
parenting in the first decade. New York: Broadway Books.
(2) Gamache, S. (2000). Parental status: A new construct
describing adolescent perceptions of stepfathers. Unpublished
doctoral dissertation, University of British Columbia, British
Columbia, Canada.
JESSICA’S STORY
I met Jason through a friend of his family. We dated for a
couple of years, fell in love and got married in
1995. After our marriage, we lived with his parents
and were working in the family real estate business so there was no
separation between family and work
life. The first year was
difficult for me. I did not speak their dialect and so we had
some communication difficulties. Even though the family never
intended this, I often felt like an outsider.
Then the real estate market crashed and the family business was in
difficulty. These circumstances only increased our
family conflict. Shortly after the birth of our
first child in 1997, we moved to the Philippines.
Within a very short space of time, Jason was called back to
Canada because his father had become ill.
I thought he was only going for a week, but he stayed in
Canada. As the youngest son, Jason felt a deep
obligation to help his parents. For my part, I felt
abandoned. My husband was in Canada and I had very
little. I know now that it was not
Jason’s intent to abandon us, but at the time, the distance
and the miscommunication only fueled my feelings.
At that time, my parents invited me to visit them in
Taiwan. In spite of their encouragement to return
to Canada and to the city where my husband was, I
couldn’t. Instead, I moved a large
Canadian city that was 1500 miles away from him.
After his father recovered, Jason moved to the USA to work with his
sister… while I stayed in Canada with our
daughter.
But in 1999, I decided to join him in the
States. Initially, again, we moved in
with family and there was no separation between family and work
life… but then we did move into our own home and had our
second and third children. Sometimes, our
relationship was really strange – sometimes we could talk a
lot and other times, there was just no
communication.
By 2003, the marriage was ending. Jason asked me
for a divorce – he felt that he had lost his life,
that I was too needy, too controlling. He felt that
I had given up on the marriage and the business that we had been in
together… he felt that I loved the children more than him
and that he was a nobody… and that no matter what he did, he
couldn’t please me. For my part, I think I was
desperate for love – looking for that unrealistic human
fantasy of a loving husband who was always there for you, always caring
for you, supporting you, someone you could always lean
on. I didn’t think that he was trying to
understand me. All in all, it was a
painful time for both of us.
Personally, I did not want the marriage to end because, despite our
problems, I still loved my husband. I did not understand why
our family life together needed to come to an end.
But I did finally agree to sign the papers for the
divorce.
My parents had moved from Taiwan to Toronto, and so after the
divorce, I moved back to Toronto to live with my parents
– I really had nowhere to go; I finally realized
that I was very weak – that I did not have many resources,
physically, financially or mentally. At the same
time, I was very bitter and proud. I hated what had
happened. I felt
humiliated.
However, God was at work in my life before I even knew
it. Before my divorce, God used His way
to surround me with people who loved Him.
For instance, one of my clients invited me to church, and my cousin,
whenever she visited, kept taking me to church.
In a large city, I tried to find a job and
couldn’t, I couldn’t provide for my
children, I felt I couldn’t meet my
parent’s expectation, I wasn’t able to
relate to my sister and brother… I felt so
helpless. I felt that when I lost my marriage, I
had lost everything. At times I
was in very deep depression… I hate to say that I even
contemplated suicide (through DivorceCare I found out that this is a
common reaction when so depressed) but somehow, God used the
thought of my 3 kids to keep me safe.… and I
started to reach out to God. And God
reached out to me through my sister who was a Christian; she
was a gentle, great support to me.
Finally, I found a job and began attending a small church with my
sister… and God met me there.
That may sound strange… but it couldn’t have been
anyone else but God … in the midst of my darkness, I felt
God give me hope – it was like being in a dark room and
matches being lit all around me.
I attended a small church for over a year. I was a
like a sponge – I wanted to know more and
more. It was a good church, but I began to realize
that I needed to find a church where my children and I could attend
more programs. So I began to attend a large
community church (Bayview Glen Church) in my neighborhood
when I noticed that the church had a DivorceCare and a DivorceCare for
Kids program. That interested
me.
The DivorceCare support group was very important… we would
have dinner together, and that was a big part of my healing -
sharing our stories with one another, making new friends. It
was a safe way to make new friends and find and give support.
It was nice to know that I was not alone. We were comfortable
sharing with one another because we understood each other.
DivorceCare helped me understand more about what divorce was.
While many people told me that I just needed more time or that I needed
to learn to stand up for myself, DivorceCare showed me a
different way. I learned that I needed to take time to allow
God to heal me. I learned that divorce is not God’s
best way for anyone’s life. I also learned to
forgive myself for my divorce.
I learned to accept my divorce, not because everyone was
telling me that divorce is okay, but because I had to deal with
it, process it and ask God’s forgiveness for my
part in the failure of my marriage.
DivorceCare also taught me that a father should always support his
family – I had been too proud to ask Jason for support, but
when I took that advice to heart and asked – I found that the
father of my children was more than willing to meet his obligations to
his children.
DivorceCare also helped me understand how I could help my
children. I try very hard not to use my kids to
communicate my messages to their father. I try to take
responsibility for my own feelings and not project them or act them out
on the children. I try to honor their father as the
father of my children and someone who is very important to their
lives.
Through DivorceCare, I learned how to stabilize my life by
making Jesus Christ the center of my life. I learned how to
reconcile my relationship with my
ex-husband. We slowly rebuilt our
relationship – first as acquaintances, then as
friends. We are still in that process and it is the desire of
both of us that our marriage would be completely restored and that our
family would become one unit again. That is still something
that we are working on and trusting God for. And
when I get anxious about the timing or the process, my DivorceCare
friends remind that it is God who is to be the center of my life, not
my ex or my children. I am very thankful to God for
the healing that He has brought into my life through so many ways:
through my family, my friends, and my church. I am
grateful for the way God is also working in Jason’s life and
for the degree of reconciliation that Jason and I have
reached. It is a work in
progress!
Looking at divorce realities on today’s program
makes me wonder, why is it that being alone is usually our plan
B?
Even after a divorce, so many begin the search again for the right
companion. Not wanting to be alone is one of the clearest
signs that
our life matters to God. It was God who first declared
“it’s not good
to be alone.” That’s how Adam got Eve.
Companionship is an idea that
originated with God. That’s why our DNA is wired
for relationships
whether it’s marriage or community. But God
didn’t leave it only up to
people which our divorce talk today has shown can be very
disappointing. God has made an offer to each of us saying
“I will
never leave you”. It tells me God wants to be our
companion and will
help us through whatever life brings our way.
Most
people will
tell you that separation and divorce are the most painful and
stressful experiences they’ve ever faced. It’s a
confusing time
when you feel isolated and have lots of questions about issues
you’ve
never faced before.
DivorceCare groups meet weekly to help you face these challenges and
move toward rebuilding your life. Each DivorceCare session has two
distinct elements:
A
Seminar with
Experts
During the first 30–40 minutes of the meeting, each
DivorceCare
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Twenty Pro-Active Suggestions for Bridge Building in Blended Families
by Les C. Wicker
1. Be Positive about the Parent from the Former Marriage.
Children are a part of and an extension of their family and parents,
and as such they will rise to the defense of their parents even in
cases in which there has been abuse, mistreatment, or neglect. In
such cases, children may accept the fact that there has been abuse, but
their parents are still their parents, and children feel the need to
love and honor them and defend them, if it is perceived that parents
are under attack. The parent/child bond was created early in life
when parents were the significant and powerful other on which the child
depended for life and security. It is a strong bond and one that
outlasts and transcends opposition or compelling intrusions.
It would be unwise and even
reckless for a stepparent to try to win approval at the expense of the
birth parent from the former marriage. Being critical of the
parent is perceived as being critical of the child himself/herself and
the reaction would be what could only be expected: defensiveness,
and more to overcome in terms of reaching the child.
The new parent from the blended
family marriage should look for opportunities to build up the parent
from the former marriage. Being positive will not only win the
heart of the child, it will show him/her that there is nothing to fear
from the new parent and that he/she is a team player for the welfare of
the child and the entire family. This will build powerfully
positive feelings within the child, in addition to building his/her
self-esteem.
2. Anticipate a Wonderful Future.
In concert with the child, intentional conversations should be held
regarding the wonderful possibilities that lie ahead. Allow the
child to see that the new family will be doing fun and exciting things
together and that he/she will be a part of it all. Share with the
child that plans are already in place and implement some of those plans
before the marriage actually takes place. Have conversations
about the new home, new school, and all the new friends that are just
waiting. Help the child to see a future for himself/herself, that
life will go on, and that there are wonderful possibilities looming for
his/her participation. If there is to be a move, take the child
to see the new home and surroundings so that all guesswork is taken
away and judgments are made on sound facts. Promises should never
be made that cannot and will not be fulfilled, as such would only be
another disappointment and would breach the trust one is so desperately
seeking to establish.
3. Give More Than Is Necessary.
Blending families is an emotional experience in every sense of the
word. It is a time of transition, of leaving a past and
familiarity, and stepping into an unknown future. During such a
time, emotions are fragile and nerves are raw. Life seems
open-ended with a flavor of uncertainty. People are more
vulnerable. Such conditions are not a time for restraint when it
comes to giving and affirming. Parents need to understand the
forces that have come to bear in their children’s lives and
respond in a spirit of giving more than even seems necessary in terms
of the needs of their children.
4. Find Reasons to Thank the Child.
Recognition is a human need. Everyone likes to be recognized or
thanked for deeds well done. In the course of a day any member of
a family may do a number of things worthy of appreciation, which is
nothing more than recognition. As a rule, people respond quite
positively to those who have taken the time to take note of the good
that has been done. A grateful attitude is therefore a winning
attitude. Gratitude has the power to transcend many walls of
resistance because it so succinctly zeros in to the heart and this most
basic of human needs.
5. Tell Jokes, Laugh Together.
Laughter has a way of breaking down walls. It can call a truce
even between enemies. Children are noticeably given to laughter
and are able to see humor in places often overlooked by adults.
Children can laugh on a pin drop, and things that seem funny to kids
seem silly or are often overlooked by adults. Each succeeding
generation of kids has its own set of children’s jokes that seem
awfully funny to those kids, but inscrutable in terms of humor to
others. The “knock-knock” jokes seemed to have hung
around for a long time, but even they seem to be passing from the scene
as new children’s humor becomes the fad. But jokes
don’t have to be n vogue for children to laugh. They
understand humor and will laugh at most anything that is remotely
funny. They will even laugh at the person trying to be funny when
he comes across as not so funny. They think trying to be funny is
funny. Children love to laugh and laughter can be the gateway to
the heart of a child.
6. Create and Maintain Secrets.
Secrets are privileged information shared by only those most trusted
and those closest to us. We never share private information with
those whom we perceive to be in opposition, as that would violate our
sense of propriety, or with those who may us e the information against
us. By telling a secret, we are taking someone into our confidence and
are sending a message that we trust that person with very private
information. Like the rest of us, children like to feel they are
included in the inner circle when covert information is being shared
and they feel honored they are trusted enough to be a confidant.
Secrets can be real bridge builders in the arena of blending families.
7. Go on an Outing Together.
Time spent with children is never time wasted. The simple act of
inviting a child on an outing to a movie, a park, the beach, a picnic,
a ball game, shopping, the circus, the zoo, a parade, or any activity
where there is quality time with the child may overcome a deadlock and
soften the relationship so that there is a feeling of common ground.
8. Make Every Attempt to Be a Bright Spot.
Children who have lived through the experience of seeing their parents
go through the pain of separation and divorce are already walking
wounded and are living in the well of deep hurt. They may feel
life has lost its luster and that someone has let the air out of their
balloon. They may blame themselves for the way things turned out
and run the “what if” tapes over and over. Regardless
of how things may look on the surface, things may be rather dark on the
inside and any ray of sunshine would be a welcomed bright spot.
What children do not need is for someone to rain on their parade.
What they do need are smiles, joy, and enthusiasm to help them through
the season of emotional decompression into the brighter days of
rainbows, sunshine, and dreams.
9. Practice Giving Praise.
Praise works wonders. Praise changes moods. Praise tears
down walls. Praise builds bridges. Praise brightens days
and lightens loads. Praise builds self-worth. Praise
touches the heart. Praise boosts morale. Praise pushes
forward. Praise endears and embraces. Praise makes one feel
worthy. Praise is a spirit lifter and a people builder.
Praise focuses on the positive. Praise looks for
opportunities. Praise endorses. Praise is the lighter of
candles. Praise can mend a broken heart.
10. Be a Friend.
“A friend is a gift you give yourself,” so the saying
goes. Who better to have as a friend than a child? Children
are lovable, affable, pleasant, and usually agreeable. They reach
out to those who show they care. It’s fun being around a
child because in his/her innocence, so much can be given. The old
adage, “A friend in need is a friend indeed,” could never
be more accurately spoken than when referring to a child who has
experienced the disintegration of his former family. Such is a
time when a child needs a friend. Becoming a friend is an
opportunity to reach across a chasm, embrace a child’s heart, and
open a door to the future.
11. Believe in the Power of Love.
The Apostle Paul was intuitive and discerning when he put his thoughts
to pen in his 13th Chapter of Corinthians. Applying his words to
the efforts of blending a family addresses the power of love to
overcome and conquer the walls of resistance and mend hearts that are
broken. Family transition is a time when emotions are tender and
feelings easily bruised. Paul’s words could not be more
fitting, and parents wishing to build bridges in merging families
should take note: “Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous
or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on
its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at
the wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things,
believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things.
Love never ends.” (I Corinthians 13:4-8a). Love has power
and love works miracles. Love never gives up.
12. Be the Parent You Would Like to Have.
The simple act of putting ourselves in someone else’s shoes
changes the perspective of simply seeing that person as a fixed entity
to understanding that person is a person with feelings, has highs and
lows, dreams, feels hurt, delights in joy, needs support, knows
loneliness, experiences moods, has aspirations, and has scores and
scores of needs. When families are in transition, parents need to
look at their children and ask themselves, “What is my child
feeling right now?” or “If I were in his/her place, what,
would life be like for me?” A decision to be the kind of
parent you would like to have if you were in the child’s place
may transform one’ thinking and enable that parent to be more
sensitive, caring, and present in the life of the child. This
exercise should be practiced daily until on senses a transformation of
his/her own perspective.
13. Avoid Triangulation. Triangulation
is the complicated configuration of personalities in which two people
in a triad are in union to the exclusion of the third. There are
times when it is appropriate and expected and times when it is
dangerous. In terms of parental guidance and discipline, it would
be expected that the two parents would maintain unanimity in their
disciplining overtures toward the child. Sending the same signal
from both parents sends the message the child is the “third
party,” and is incumbent on him to correct his behavior.
But in terms of ongoing familial interaction, no one wants to be left
out or to feel like a third party. No where this is more able to
be seen than in the blending of families when a child from a former
marriage is cast into the setting of a new family in which he/she
perceives himself/herself as a third party. Every effort should
be made to avoid triangulation and every effort made to include the
child in every opportunity of involvement in the new family.
14. Be Flexible.
The process of blending families is infused with all kinds of knee-jerk
reactions associated with merging and assimilating personalities
involved in pervious family relationships into new family
relationships. Baggage from the past does drag emotions into the
present, emotions that may be tender or volatile. Emotional
transference often conceals the true sources of pain, estrangement, or
underlying sentiment. Such times are not times for rigid
approaches, as inflexibility only immobilizes emotional expression and
often sets feelings in concrete. On the other hand, flexibility
gives needed space for sharing what is in one’s heart and soul,
as there is an atmosphere of openness and affirmation. Simply
having space in which to maneuver emotionally can, in itself, be oil
for troubled waters and balm for healing. In the process of
building and growing new families from previous or existing ones, the
need for flexibility cannot be overstated, and the adults who are
responsible for shaping the future need to be especially sensitive to
parameters s they exist.
15. Play Age-Appropriate Games.
Most every child enjoys playing games, especially if he/she is able to
capture the attention of an adult either as a partner or as an
opponent. Nothing thrills a child like thinking he/she has won a
game over an adult opponent. One can usually observe the glee of
winning in a child’s eyes. As cognitive skills develop, the
desire for more sophisticated and mentally challenging games also
increases. Games provide unique opportunities for adults to
interplay with children, opportunities that parents who are meshing two
families can ill-afford to miss. Younger children usually always
love Uno because they understand it and can fairly compete. Older
children love Twister, Sorry, Monopoly, Trivial Pursuit, Battleship,
and Operation.
16. Look for Common Interests.
There are activities/interests which adults and children may have in
common, things which they can do together to build harmony and
accord. Sporting activities, while not limited to males, can
usually provide common ground among men and boys. Such concerns
as pulling for a favorite team, collecting their logos, watching or
attending their games, keeping up with the stats, knowing who their
players are, all have the potential for building bridges and cementing
relationships. Shopping, beauty shops, fashion, and cosmetics are
girl things, enjoyed by adults and youth alike. Massaging such
interests creates feeling of inclusion and acceptance and they are
great springboards to capturing hearts and winning support.
17. Be a Cheerleader.
Cheerleaders have a unique role in the landscape of athletics.
Sporting events are lackluster without someone leading the
cheers. Although the focus is on the game, cheerleaders add
emotion and feeling and instill team spirit, support, and stimulation
to the game. Without the presence of cheerleaders gathering
support and amplifying the excitement, many athletic events would be
rather flat. Cheerleaders are also important in the landscape of
human exchange. Everyone needs someone in his/her corner cheering
them on, creating a desire to be a winner, and believing he/she is the
very best. Just as athletes on the playing field are buoyed by
cheers and drawn toward those leading the cheers, children are also
uplifted by the support of parents who lead the cheers and they are
drawn toward those persons.
18. Overcome Resistance.
Blending families is difficult even under the most favorable of
circumstances. Loyalties are to familiarity, to the way it was,
and often to the parent who is now absent. Children have any
number of weapons at their disposal to put up a wall of resistance, and
they can be quite creative and immovable in the process. In some
cases, stepparents try every conceivable tactic to win over a child
whose will is as steel. The temptation is to give up and throw in
the towel, believing the child’s heart will never be won.
But perseverance always pays off and will win in the end.
Stepparents who want harmony and unity must not give up; they must go
the distance to overcome resistance.
19. Include Children in Your Plans.
In planning an outing, a day’s activities, or a get-away, adults
often make plans to the exclusion of input from their children,
assuming the things parents want to do will also be the things their
children would want to do. This approach works for many families
as children go along with whatever has been planned, although their own
wishes have been overlooked. This approach is less plausible for
stepchildren as they may already feel like the “fifth
wheel” in terms of planning and inclusion. Gaining input
from children creates ownership in whatever activity and should be
encouraged to ensure success in bridge building in blended families.
20. Never Give Up.
In seeking to win the hearts of a stepson/daughter, and in seeking to
overcome resistance, the inclination is to give in and give up.
Going on day after day, seeing very little if any sunlight, the
temptation is to throw in the towel or send up the white flag.
Yet surrender is not what the child wants and not what the parent
wants. Mostly, children want things to be the way they were, but
they know they cannot be that way again. The very strain on
emotions is enough in itself to cause most to surrender. Yet, it
is the NEVER GIVE UP attitude that separates winners from losers.
Believing you can overcome negativity and creating a positive setting
will eventually bring the much sought after victory and put the new
family in the winner’s circle.
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